


Ruin My Life

by 40_Day_Dream



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: BAMF Darcy Lewis, Darcy Lewis is the fandom bicycle and I love it, Darcy Lewis-centric, F/M, Friendship, Humor, Love, Not Canon Compliant, Romance, SHIP DARCY LEWIS WITH ALL THE THINGS, Sex, Smut, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-06-26 18:39:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19774072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/40_Day_Dream/pseuds/40_Day_Dream
Summary: All of a sudden, I could hear myself telling the stranger my deepest secrets and fears and even though part of my brain was telling me to stop my mouth refused to close.“…and then I blackmailed the sheriff, couldn’t go back to jail”“…so much student loan debt, all he wanted was pictures of my feet”In which Darcy has a panic attack next to a stranger and admits all her secrets. Inspired by the book Can You Keep a Secret? bySophie KinsellaAlso inspired by Zara Larsson's song Ruin my life. It's a fucking banger.  https://www.youtube (.) com/watch?v=3OTjFqWcDQY





	1. Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Chapter 1

Life could suck a big sack of hairy dicks as far as I was concerned. I'm not good at meeting new people. I make a complete ass of myself, I make lewd jokes that only people who are really close should say, but no, Jane had to go and think me capable of handling a meeting with university heads to get more funding while her and Thor banged each other’s brains out. When I told her ovaries before brovaries and reminded her of how bad I am at meeting important people she said, ‘tough tits I need the dick.’ Well, Jane, I fucked up.

It started out pretty good; I had to fly to Norway from London to meet with the big wigs and the flight there was fine and the taxi to the university was great; the cabbie and I bonded over Game of Thrones and she waived the fee and gave me her email so we could talk about Jon Snow’s ass, totally cool lady. Then there was the meeting where even Odin would have felt bad for me.

Walking into the meeting I felt so fucking confident about the proposal and that Jane's belief in me wouldn't be misplaced for once. I wore my cream silk button up shirt along with my best (only) pencil skirt, my curls were giving Merida a run for her money, my signature red lipstick, and cat eyeliner was on point, so I had every reason to believe that Frigga was smiling down on me. Plus, I had finally gotten some much needed new glasses so I could finally see people instead of lumps so no more squinting and having people assume I'm winking at them.

Once the introductions were made, I began starting on my badass presentation, sure to rack in the dough. I was about halfway through when I realized they weren’t paying my presentation any attention and were instead looking at me like they were trying to see what I’d look like with no clothes on. I told myself to calm down because damn-it Janey needs the money and she's my bosstie (boss and bestie) so I swallowed my pride and cleared my throat instead of shoving a taser into both their balls like I desperately wanted to. 

After a few awkward moments of silence when the men realized I had stopped talking the dean of the university finally spoke in a heavily accented voice dripping with condemnation; "Miss Lewis, why isn't Doctor foster here? Does she think she is too good to come herself and in her stead, sends her hedgehog? I mean I know her work isn’t groundbreaking and it’s shocking she hasn’t been laughed out of the science community so one would assume she would be grateful for any bone thrown her way and would come begging at this chance, unless of course, you wish to sweeten the deal," the oaf gave my body a lascivious look.

I stared at him in confusion trying to first figure out if I was hearing him correctly then to figure out what he meant by hedgehog when a lightbulb went off and my bitch switch was flipped; "You know what you ignorant ass instead of looking at me like I'm a thing and actually listening to what I had to say you would see that Doctor Foster would have been a wonderful addition to your university but since you're too far up your own asshole you wouldn't know a lucrative opportunity if it punched you in the throat." I watched his eyes flare with rage as I walked toward him and unloaded my taser into his balls, thoughts of serenity forgotten. "And by the way asshole, it's called a gofer, not a hedgehog you dipshit."

Naturally, as soon as I did that, the other men in the room called security and they stormed into the room and removed me from the building a little too roughly if you ask me. As soon as I was placed outside the skies open up and a downpour of rain began pelting me from all sides and I had to walk two blocks before I saw a taxi willing to pick me up and take me back to the airport.

Having left (been thrown out) of my meeting earlier than expected I was hours early for my flight back to jolly London when I saw salvation in the form of an airport bar. Rushing to order the largest screwdriver the bartender could make me I found an empty seat beside a nice-looking flight attendant.

"Hi, do you mind if I sit here?" Before she had a chance to respond I had flopped onto the seat and smashed my head onto the table. "Could I vent to you for just a second about how much life is hating me right now?" 

I slowly propped my head onto my fist and began to tell her about my day and losing the grant money and lecherous assholes and holy fuck she's an awesome listener and when I'm halfway thru my tale she even gets up to order me another cocktail, one I've never had before that is practically bursting with alcohol. When I'm finished, she has an empathetic look on her face, and she gets up to hug me and quickly wipes away my tears.

Focusing her complete attention on me she says in a deep southern drawl, "Some men can be such bastards, but you can’t let them get you down. Keep your chin up, I’m sure your boss will understand if she is as badass as you say she is." Overhead an announcement comes on calling for flight attendants to make their way to the gate. Giving me another quick hug, she grabs her bag and heads away.

Looking at the time I realize my plane should be leaving soon and decide to freshen up in the bathroom from all the ugly crying; I swear I could give Kim Kardashian a run for her money with my cry face. Unfortunately, life is still cramping on my style and as soon as I stand up to head to the restroom some asshat slams into me spilling coffee all over my silk blouse and knocking my glasses from my face.

"What the fuck!" I growl after the jerk face when all of a sudden, I hear the awful crunch of glass and plastic breaking. Scrambling to the floor I feel around for my glasses praying that it was some shot glass breaking and not them. Within seconds I feel the outline of what used to be one of the temples broken from the main frame then I come into contact with the lenses completely shattered rendering them useless. "Fuck a motherfucking duck," I tell myself quietly willing myself not to break down again in my frustration.

Picking up the pieces and stuffing them into my bag I managed to find the restroom and wash my face with cold water before making my way to the boarding gate bumping into something every few feet.

Upon entering the plane, I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn towards the offending individual ready to rage when I recognize the voice as that of the attendant I talked to earlier. "Hon, do you realize your blouse is see-through and hanging open," she questions me in a soft voice and at the look on my face, she tsk’s and quickly re-buttons my top. "Now we aren't normally allowed to do this but honestly sweetie I think you deserve it, so I'm going to move you to first class just don't tell anyone, okay?"

I stare at her stunned and to my embarrassment feel my eyes prickle the tell-tell sign of tears. "Thank you so much you don't know how much that means to me."

She guilds me to a luxuriously large chair in the aisle seat beside another passenger whose blob seems to resemble the shape of a man. "Don't worry about it sugar, just relax," and with that, she moves to take care of another passenger.

Neither I nor the blob man sitting next to me make an effort to introduce ourselves or make awkward conversations which is for the best because with how today is going I would somehow wind up making things worse for myself. 

On the way to Norway, I was too worked up to think about flying by myself but now that the meeting is over and I have nothing to occupy my mind I’m freaking out. I hate flying, I hate the idea of having no control and the fact that I am placing my faith in a metal deathtrap to keep me from a fiery death. 

To stop myself from hyperventilating once the plane starts to ascent I begin to sing under my breath, “I hate Norway in the springtime, I hate Norway in the snow, I hate Norway because patronizing assholes live there, and they are gonna cost me my job, not that I’m getting paid but still, Norway sucks.” I’m gearing up to start on another verse when I hear a throat clear from the seat next to me. I mutter a sorry and try to focus on something else when the plane suddenly hitches. 

“Holy mother of Beyoncé, we’re going to die,” I shrieked like a banshee, grabbing the hand of the passenger next to me in a death grip. “We’re gonna die and I’m never going to see the ending to Game of Thrones or see Tom Hiddleston’s cock, which I’m sure is fantastic. And I’m probably going to go to hell because of all the shit I’ve done and lied about.” In a small recess of my brain, I could feel the man struggle to free his incarcerated hand but I grasped on tighter.

All of a sudden, I could hear myself telling the stranger my deepest secrets and fears and even though part of my brain was telling me to stop my mouth refused to close. 

“…and then I blackmailed the sheriff, couldn’t go back to jail”

“…so much student loan debt, all he wanted was pictures of my feet”

“…I told him I love bluegrass music…can’t stand the fucking sound, makes me what to put an air horn to my ears…”

“…hacked the mainframe and changed her email address…still doesn’t know…”

“…made him believe giving the middle finger means peace on earth…police did not find it  
funny.”

“…made me homemade muffins I almost choked on them…told her I love them…bakes them all the fucking time”

I felt myself being shaken and heard a voice to my right repeating over and over, “we’re not going to die, we’ve landed, it’s okay.” Finally, the voice reached me and my consciousness returned and I stopped talking and realized we had in fact landed and from what I could make out my neighbor and I were the last passengers left on the plane. 

Trying to save my dignity at least somewhat I slowly got up and grabbed my purse before hightailing it off the plane. I heard the stranger call after me but fuck that, I ran off the boarding gate and lost myself in the crowd.


	2. Dog Day Afternoon

Chapter 2

Telling Jane, we didn’t get the grant money was so fucking hard, she looked so lost when I told her and kept chewing on her bottom lip. I mean I didn’t tell her the whole story I just said they had filled the position; she doesn’t need to know what a bunch of asshats they were. It’s a good thing that her and Thor were still going strong when I got back because even she would have noticed the huge stain on my shirt and my missing glasses I had been raving about hours earlier.

“Well, I hate that we didn’t get the money, but Thor told Tony Stark about us and he wants to meet,” Jane told me the next day, dodging the granola bar I was trying to put in her mouth and grabbing a pop tart instead. “He’s supposed to be in London this week so he should be stopping by today or tomorrow I can’t remember which.”

“Okay, first off Jane, you need to have sustenance to do science and yes I know the nectar of brown cinnamon sugar pop tarts is magnificent but unfortunately it has like no nutritional value and I don’t want you to be constipated again, remember how bad it was last time?” I watched Jane’s face go dark at the mention of those dark days; we got way to close during it like having to shove a suppository up her ass close. She dropped the pop tart and reluctantly grabbed the granola. “Good girl, now secondly TONY FUCKING STARK! Jane that’s insane why are you acting like it’s nothing? I would think your panties would be dripping with the thought of all the money he could give you for research.”

Jane slapped her hand over my mouth effectively shutting down my rant. “Oh my god Darcy, do you want Thor to start sprouting thunder and lightning bolts? Quit talking about me and another dude, especially his teammate. Last time he got pissy it rained for a month solid.”

“He’s on a coffee run, it’s not like he has a sixth sense about your panties,” I started laughing at the thought. “If he did, he would have made his way back here way quicker.” With that Jane quickly punched me right in the tit, the bitch. “What the fuck, Jane, it was a joke.”

Still glaring at me Jane walked off and started banging on the nearest machine to turn it on. Thinking of my possible revenge I turned around and made my way over to the area I had quarantined as my office. In the tiny place, we were renting (squatting) there was no place left for an actual office due to all the Frankensteined machines, so I had shoved a chair and a small desk in front of the door. Did this make it super hard to get in the door and move into the lab? Fuck yeah it did but I wasn’t about to let another jackbooted thug sneak past me; plus, it meant Thor had to squeeze by me to get in, always a positive.

Rubbing my sore boob, I booted up my computer and quickly logged on to begin entering the data Jane and I had gathered over the week. 

Glancing up I saw Ian, my intern and hopeless semi-romantic partner standing awkwardly in front of me; then again, he always stood awkwardly. 

“Hey Ian, I didn’t know you were coming in today. Have you seen Thor? He was supposed to be bringing back coffee, but he’s been gone a long time. I mean I know he gets lost sometimes but damn; the coffee shop was just around the corner.”

“Uh, no I wasn’t supposed to come in today and I haven’t seen Thor, but I needed to ask you something. “Ian nervously reached into his pocket making me wonder what the ever-loving fuck he was getting ready to do. Holding my breath, I prayed it wasn’t a marriage proposal or a proclamation of love. “Could we go somewhere private, please?”

Looking behind me, I could see Jane was completely absorbed in her work and hadn’t noticed Ian. “You’re not going to kill me and start wearing my skin like buffalo Bill, are you? I don’t always remember to put lotion on after I shower so my skin might not be the best to steal.” I nervously joked with him. 

He gave me a puzzled looked and left the room. Was sarcasm so hard to understand? Gathering my coat and purse I silently followed him into a street café. Grabbing a table, I watched as he went to the barista and ordered our drinks before returning. 

“I have something for you that I think will make you very happy I saw it and I just knew you would be thrilled.” I watched him with a grimace on his face as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper; releasing my breath in relief I realized it wasn’t a proposal. “Anyways I know you and Jane are going away as soon as you get the grant money, but I just wanted something for you to remember me by and I thought this would be perfect.” Looking positively thrilled, Ian, slide the paper over to me and watched in anticipation as I picked it up.

Glancing at the paper I realized to my horror it was something worse than a marriage proposal; it was a fucking ticket to the bluegrass festival that was being held in Manchester that weekend. Struggling to fix an appropriate look on my face I sit in stunned silence for a moment before I hear him clear his throat. 

“Wow, this is so…incredible Ian, thank you.” I manage to choke the words out of my mouth wondering how he doesn’t hear the absolute lie in my voice. 

“I knew you would love it. Ever since we bonded over our mutual love of bluegrass I’ve been saving up for tickets. I even got us our own yurt for the festival!” He leaned across to kiss me on the lips, but I felt myself almost involuntarily presenting him with my cheek instead. 

He continued to ramble on while I just bobbed my head and pretended to listen. Inside my head, I was furious with myself for keeping up the charade but when he told me he loved bluegrass I genuinely thought he was being sarcastic and so I responded with sarcasm. Unfortunately, as I learned later, Ian is oblivious to sarcasm. Shaking myself out of my inner thoughts I returned to the conversation just in time to hear him say, “Hey, isn’t that Thor? Why is he taking someone to your office?”

Spinning around in my seat I looked around and spotted Thor talking to someone and gesturing to our building before heading inside with him. Confused I turned back to Ian and shrugged, “it wouldn’t be the first time Thor brought a stranger into the office. He doesn’t seem to understand that not everyone he talks to is his new best friend.” Ian nodded at my statement, confirming that Thor was indeed an odd but lovely person. “Just to make sure this stranger doesn’t steal anything I think we should head back.” 

Grabbing my purse and coffee I didn’t look to see if Ian followed before rushing out of the café and onto the street towards Jane and I’s building. Pushing the door open I heard Jane talking excitedly and then a voice I didn’t immediately recognize but for some reason sounded familiar. 

Peaking around the room I noticed Jane and Thor talking to the unknown man whose back was to me. Jane and he were gesticulating wildly and trying to out-talk the other. I felt Ian creep up behind me and peer over my shoulder.

“Holy shit,” he frantically whispered before pushing me to the side, “is that Tony Stark?” He always had a major hard-on for the billionaire, so it was no surprise when he rushed past me to introduce himself. 

Instead of moving forward I found myself staying back; something about his voice was nagging at me. I swear I had heard it before and not just from the interview where he announced he was Iron Man, way more recently. 

When the man interrupted Jane for the second time I realized to my mounting horror where I had heard his voice. He was the man beside me on the plane who I had spilled some of my deepest secrets to.

Before I could sneak out of the room to escape, Thor, saw me and broke out his megawatt smile. “Lightning sister come meet my friend, the tin man. He has come to take us back to his tower. He and my love were just discussing the wonders science.” 

“Big guy, it’s Iron Man, not tin man. And who are you talking to because unless I’m mistaken the person trying to hump my leg,” at this he pointed at Ian, who was standing pressed up against Tony, “yeah you, back up, is not a lady but in fact a boy.”

Ian jumped away from Tony faster than he had moved during the dark elves invasion and turned crimson before mumbling an excuse and running into the small bathroom. 

Thor chuckled at Tony and pointed behind him, “Lady Darcy is behind you. She is a mighty warrior who once felled me with lightning. She protects my love Jane, from constipation and jaundice; which I’ve been told are incredibly nasty foes.” 

Before he could continue Jane slapped her hand across Thor’s mouth to shut him up, which seemed to confuse the hell out of Thor because he loved telling the tale of my supposed heroics and Jane had never stopped him before. But to be fair he had just learned of my saving Jane from constipation a week ago so it’s still fresh in his mind. 

Jane looked at me with huge eyes begging me to save her. Moving forward I prepared myself to be calm, cool and collected. I mean what are the chances that he would even remember me? He’s Tony Stark, a plane ride with a crazy person would be a tiny blip on his radar, forgotten the next morning. I mean what was he even doing on a commercial plane, didn’t he have his own fleet of jets or something? So, it’s entirely possible it wasn’t Tony Stark on the plane I tell myself.

Walking forward I watched as Tony Stark swiveled towards me take a cursory glance and turn back around before doing a double-take. He lowered his sunglasses and squinted his eyes hard at me before widening them in surprise.

Before he could call me out, I rushed forward and shoved my hand at him. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Stark. My name is Darcy and I help Dr. Foster with everything,” I hurriedly tell him, slipping my hand into and out of his fast as humanly possible. “I was just about to go grab us some coffee since thunder thighs over here forgot.” I punched Thor lightly in the shoulder before squawking out a completely fake laugh, earning me a concerned look from said big guy.

Backing myself towards the door I prayed for Thor to pelt me with a lightning bolt, maybe even Loki could spring up and whisk me away; anything to escape dealing with Iron Man. 

“Darcy,” Jane’s voice snapped me out of my prayers, “Thor remembered the coffee it’s literally right in front of you.” Jane pointed her index finger to the small counter in front of her which did indeed have several coffees resting on it. 

My back striking the doorway my eyes shot around the room looking for another task that would take me out of the office while Tony Stark was there. One that might keep me from having to deal with him preferably for years to come.

“You know what, I would love a fresh cup of joe if you wouldn’t mind going with me to grab one, I don’t know my way around London, and I would hate to get lost.” I heard Tony Stark say but I refused to look at him, so I wasn’t 100 percent sure it was him.

Thor interrupted in a soft voice one might use to talk to a child or a simpleton, “Tin man, we have just come from the place of coffee and you are holding yours right now.” 

I darted my eyes to Mr. Stark to see his response, our eyes immediately locked onto one another with a small smirk directed towards me he released his coffee cup and allowed the liquid gold to spill on the floor. “Well damn, Point Break, would you look at that guess I need a new cup.”


	3. Man Down

Stepping out of our building I tried to make my way across the street as swiftly as possible to the coffee shop without looking like I was actively avoiding a certain billionaire. Unfortunately for me, long, fast strides have always been a no go for me. I should have listened to my gym teacher and participated in class instead of blackmailing her about her balloon fetish.

I scented him before he caught up to me, a delicious, spicy scent of ground coffee beans and something I couldn’t pin down but immediately liked and while part of me craved to stick my nose to his body to continue smelling him in order to figure out the mysterious scent, I somehow doubted he would appreciate the babbling stranger assaulting him like a bloodhound.

“Usain Bolt correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think we are in a race. I mean I see no mile marker signs or overly helpful people offering water. In fact, I don’t even see a sweaty man with his dick bouncing around in his too-small shorts, so what’s with the fleet feet?” The man who could very well be my downfall quipped at me as quick as lightning.

I find myself struggling to hold back my laughter so as not to encourage him but keeping quiet and keeping smartass comments to myself has never been a strong suit.

“I had no idea that I looked like a towering, Olympic athlete, my life must be incredible. I always pictured myself on the shorter, curvier side with little to no athletic ability.” I snarked back before I could stop myself, digging myself deeper into my little ditch; the story of my life.

“Ah-ha, she speaks!” From the corner of my eye, I watch as he smirks at me before dramatically clutching his chest. “You had me second-guessing myself and being a distinguished genius that would have been devastating but I remember that raspy drawl.”

I groan deeply before turning to finally face him and watch as his eyes rake over me in a rapid-fire movement before locking onto my eyes and a small, almost unnoticeable smile flashes across his face before leaving as quickly as it came, replaced by his usual you are boring me face I see splashed across countless magazines, making me wonder if what I saw was a trick of light.

“You know with you being a so-called ‘genius,’ you sure do miss the obvious social cues.” I gesture back to the dilapidated office building Jane and I are basically squatting in. “I mean I think even Helen Keller would have realized I did not want to be followed and is probably cringing for me in her grave.”

I watch as he barks out a short, surprised laugh; effectively transforming his face into something less guarded. Grabbing his arm, I pull him away towards the sidewalk realizing we had both stopped in the middle of the street. I feel his body stiffen slightly at the touch but before he can say anything, I drop his arm and gesture to the car speeding past where we just were.

His jaw clenches and a scowl creeps across his face as he belatedly notices the early morning traffic surrounding us. I’m tempted to tell him that for someone who is used to saving the world he really does not have the best perception but thankfully I manage to keep that tidbit to myself.

“Social cues are for the boring, besides how could I possibly pass up the chance to speak with the person I thought I would never see again since we met in such odd circumstances.” He looks at me with accusing eyes like this is all my fault, which, not going to lie, flips my bitch switch.

“First off asshole, I had no idea who I was sitting beside I couldn’t see anything but a human-shaped blur.” He scoffs loudly at that, but I push past before he can comment. “Second what the fuck is a self-professed billionaire doing traveling on a commercial flight? I mean surely you can afford your own plane, so you don’t have to deal with us common folk!” I perform a curtsy for him and continue my tirade in my best cockney accent, “I’m so sorry I’ve displeased you m’ lord. Please have me whipped and put in the stockade for such insolence as being near you. I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive myself for causing you such pain.”

Refusing to back down we both glare at each other in a stalemate, my eyes trying desperately to disintegrate the man in front of me with such a high opinion of himself. 

Glancing away he shrugs his shoulders before turning back to me. “So…I might have come off as an asshole,” he ignores my snort of disbelief and continues, “I just have to be careful around people and I found it extremely strange that you would work for Dr. Foster and know Thor and that you just so happened to sit beside me on the plane. Being who I am I have to be careful.”

“Pretty sure that’s not an apology- “I grind out through my clenched teeth before he interrupts me.

“I never apologize.”

“-And even if it were an apology it still doesn’t explain why you didn’t just take a private plane? I mean, damn, you’re fucking Iron Man! Or why you can’t follow normal human etiquette and ignore the big fat elephant surrounding us like any normal person would?”

For the first time I see him look distinctly uncomfortable, he fidgets with his suit sleeves and adjusts his tie before meeting my eyes with a sheepish expression making me instantly wary of what he is going to say next.

“About that…I might have made a certain CEO...perturbed with me, which yes, I know it is very difficult to believe, but I was kicked out of my own plane and locked out of my AI for roughly twenty hours hence the public transport.”

“I somehow doubt that’s all there is to the story but you know what it’s none of my business and because I am a kind soul I won’t mention it to anyone else, something I would greatly appreciate you doing about my little freak-out.”

“By little freak-out, I’m going to assume you mean when you became hysterical on the plane due to some minor, barely-there, could hardly notice turbulence and began telling me ridiculous things about your life. Is that the freak out you are referring to?’”

I make myself close my eyes and take a deep cleansing breath attempting to repress the rage this man brings out in me before I do something like tase him in the balls and lose Janey a chance at a real funding and maybe a real lab where we don’t have to burn a trashcan fire to keep from getting hyperthermia because we can’t afford basic necessities. 

I doubt he even remembers some of the things I was going on about and even if he did maybe I just told him I put melatonin in Jane’s coffee sometimes I mean that’s not too bad, right? It’s not like my secrets would intentionally harm someone. I try to rack my brain to remember everything I said but that plane ride has become such a blur and all I can grasp onto are bits and pieces of conversation that make no sense.

Before I can finish getting a grip on myself, I hear my name being called. Popping my eyes open I ignore the man huffing in front of me and glance behind him to see who it is.

I see Ian awkwardly crossing the street towards us before creepily hovering behind Tony Stark and glancing at me with a questioning look on his face before jerking his head towards the other man. After a confused second, I realize he is waiting for me to introduce him. 

I had briefly forgotten how much of a boner Ian had for anything Stark related and while I would have thought his embarrassing display earlier would have him steering clear of the billionaire apparently Ian was a glutton for punishment.

“Mr. Stark, this is Ian Boothby, he’s an intern of mine and- "

“I’m her boyfriend,” Ian misses my snort of amusement and continues, “not really an intern, she just likes to say that. I’m a huge fan of yours, sir.” Ian holds his hand out expectantly towards the older man waiting for him to finally be acknowledged.

Completely ignoring him Tony maneuvers his body to block my view of Ian and shoots a worrying grin at me before quickly turning his body back towards Ian and grabbing his outstretched hand. Shaking his hand vigorously I watch in dismay as Tony glances back at me with a cocked eyebrow.

“Ah yes, Ewan, I’ve heard nothing but unusual things about you from your lovely girlfriend.”

“It’s actually Ian and thank you I wanted to talk to you about an idea I have.” Ian’s face is slack with worship completely missing the look of utter dread that falls over my face.

I feel a wave of sickness hit me when I recall that I had told Stark about Ian. How Ian has never been able to find my g-spot and how he looks like a beaver gnawing wood when he cums. And dear god so many other fucking little things, why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut?

“Now that the introductions are out of the way I think we should head back to the office. I’m sure Mr. Stark is incredibly busy and needs to get going to wherever he is going, and we have to help Jane pack for the thing tomorrow.” I seize his arm and frantically try to pull him away before anything else can happen.

“Aw, come now Darcy, I always have time to hear new ideas and I’m sure Erwin’s is going to be…something. I mean look at his face, he’s like an eager beaver, how could I say no to that?” Stark looks at me innocently before gesturing for Ian to continue.

“Again it's Ian- “

“That’s what I said Evan.”

“Right, so sorry, my ears must have something in them. Anyway, as I was saying- “

Having heard Ian’s idea about a million times before I know it’s a piece of garbage that even a five-year-old could see wouldn’t work. In a desperate attempt to end the sure to be an hour-long explanation I begin to hack up a lung in the hopes it will shut Ian up.

Calling upon my theater work from high school, thank Frigga I was a dramatic little shit in high school, I start coughing and thumping my chest vigorously and for my pièce de résistance I even make my eyes water and squeeze out a few tears in an attempt to sell it properly. 

At first, Ian continues speaking attempting to talk over my obnoxious cough but eventually, he stops talking and eyes me disbelievingly before angrily asking if I would like some water. Nodding profusely, I wait until I see him disappear into the nearby café before ceasing my squawking. 

“That was…Oscar-worthy, Bluebell, I mean congratulations,” Tony begins to slow clap at me letting a huge smirk spread across his face as he takes me in. “The watery eyes genuinely sold the show, I might have to steal that for the future.”

I force a slow smile to spread across my face as I move toward the billionaire until he is pressed against the brick building. Stretching up on my tip toes I lean closer to him until our lips our just a hairsbreadth away and watch as his eyes dart from my lips to my eyes. Biting my bottom lip his eyes lock in on the movement and I feel his breath hitch. 

Quick as lighting I bring my knee up between his legs to strike his balls. Moving away from him I watch in amusement as his face transforms into shock and pain before he crumbles to the ground and clutches his crotch.

“You really shouldn’t mess with me,” I tell him as I gently run my fingers through his hair before heading back towards the office building. Ignoring Iron Man’s moans of displeasure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love getting comments from yall it really makes my day so much better! I hope yall are doing lovely :)


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